7 Ways to Connect With Your Sexuality When You’re Not Getting Laid by Rebecca Fearn | Self Magazine

Reclaiming Desire: Why Cultivating a Solo Sex Life Is Self-Care, Not a SubstituteAs featured in SELF Magazine – July 2025

by Rebecca Fearn

So many people believe that sex is something that only happens with a partner. But what happens when you’re not in a relationship—or when your current season of life just doesn’t include much partnered intimacy?

Recently, I had the honor of contributing to an insightful article in SELF Magazine titled, "7 Ways to Connect With Your Sexuality When You’re Not Getting Laid." It’s a conversation that’s long overdue, and one I believe everyone deserves to feel included in.

Here’s the truth: your sexual relationship with yourself is just as important—if not more—than the one you have with anyone else.

Why Solo Sexuality Deserves Your Attention

Too often, our culture treats solo sexuality as a second-rate experience. But the reality is that self-pleasure, erotic exploration, and intimate self-awareness are foundational to emotional wellness and long-term sexual satisfaction—whether or not you’re in a relationship.

In the article, I explain how dating yourself can be one of the most effective ways to create arousal, interest, and confidence. It’s not about performing for someone else—it’s about learning to engage your mind (your biggest sex organ!) in ways that feel good, safe, and fulfilling.

Here’s an excerpt from my contribution to SELF:

“A lot of people don’t know this, but the brain is the largest sex organ,” says Dr. Viviana Coles, DMFT. “So if you really want to make the most of it and have a quality solo pleasure session, you want to engage your brain.”

When we give ourselves permission to get curious—about our fantasies, our needs, and what truly turns us on—we open the door to a fuller, more empowered version of intimacy. One that doesn’t rely on a partner to “activate,” but that’s ours to explore and grow at any time.

Solo Sex Life as a Wellness Practice

Just like we set aside time to care for our bodies, nourish our minds, or restore our energy, we can—and should—prioritize time for solo pleasure. Not because it’s a replacement for something “better,” but because it’s a meaningful part of self-discovery and stress relief.

Whether that includes:

• Erotic reading or listening
• Exploring fantasies or sensual self-touch
• Investing in body-safe toys or guided tools
• Or simply being present with your desires

…there’s no wrong way to cultivate a solo sex life.

Want a Head Start? Try My VIVID Fantasy

I created My VIVID Fantasy as a self-guided, playful way for individuals (and couples!) to explore what truly excites them. It’s a quick, private quiz that helps you identify your turn-ons and preferences. At the end, you’ll receive a custom erotic story or audio based on your responses—something uniquely you.

If you’ve ever wondered how to get in the mood on your own, or how to reconnect with your sensual side, this is a gentle, empowering place to begin.

Ready to explore?

📖 Read the full SELF article here

🎧 Take the My VIVID Fantasy quiz here

Dr. Viviana Coles is a Doctor of Marriage and Family Therapy, Licensed Therapist, and Relationship & Intimacy Expert. She is the creator of My VIVID Fantasy and author ofThe 4 Intimacy Styles: The Key to Lasting Physical Intimacy. For more resources or to book a session, visitDoctorViviana.comorHoustonRelationshipTherapy.com.